I don't know how I appear online and I'm never sure how my personality is perceived by people who don't know me in real life.
It is obvious, however, that my online character screams one very obvious trait loud and clear to all readers.
My penis is too small. Pitifully small. Freakishly small.
How do they know? How did they guess? How could my apparently innocuous edits be so transparent? I scarcely ever mention my penis, let alone bemoan its tendencies towards the vanishingly-tiny.
But there are some very clever, exceptionally perceptive people on this web of ours, and they have seen through my superficial tales of life to the real problem below. They have generously given of their time and energy to try to help me, and I am grateful - truly grateful. Every day, several times a day, the record being 14 times in one day, I receive missives from benevolent individuals offering me solutions to my shameful predicament.
"penis enlargement pills", they offer
"increase both length and girth"
"increase penis size by 25% in one month"
"non-surgical penis enlargement - guaranteed"
"three inches in 4 months"
It's like an unexpected rain shower on the barren desert of my manhood.
One (opened in error, obviously - I don't like to raise my hopes too high by actually reading the contents of these messages) showed a sequence of pictures at months 1, 2, 3 and 4, demonstrating an enviable increase in size. In particular I noticed three things about this picture sequence.
1. The increase in size between pictures was partly due to an (no doubt accidental) error in positioning - each subsequent picture was taken from closer to the man's body. So the first picture required some form of space telescope to view the penis, whereas the fourth picture could reasonably be described as a close-up.
2. Other than this trivial error, the photographer managed an astonishing consistency of set - the lighting, the colour, everything, was so similar from one picture to the other that one mighe be forgiven for thinking they were all taken in the one session. I am not fooled, though, and I attribute the astonishing consistency to the high professionalism and technical expertise of the photographer. This simply reinforces my faith in the integrity of these people.
3. That man wore the exact same underpants for four months, and has a lucky bit of lint on his pubic hair that he never removed in all that time.
So I reckon my penis-size problems are now entirely solved.
If only I could get someone to deal with my lack of viagra, my need for fast loans NOW, and my wish to earn $$$$ from the comfort of my own home.